Doug: Dear Abby

Subject: Dear Abby

 Dear Abby

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.   My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.   My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana.
They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, both of whom are prostitutes in Dallas.  I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.   My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview.   She is a part time “working girl”.
All things considered, my problem is this :
I love my fiancé  and look forward to bringing her into the family, but I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
So, should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President ?
Signed,  Worried About My Reputation

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it; but
here’s one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘
Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into……


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