HARRISBURG, PA — Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania’s open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that “Fetterman” was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
“Before acknowledging the question, I would like to take this opportunity to remind the moderators, Dr. Oz, and the audience that it is a common misconception that I am ‘Fetterman’ – Dr. Fetterman was actually the scientist who constructed me.” The debate moderators apologized after they took a few moments to process the inarticulate grunts and groans.
Despite years of pop culture and political reporting using the misnomer “Fetterman” to refer to the hastily-constructed Democrat behemoth, fans of the source material have long called for the Pennsylvania Senate candidate to be called “the creature” or “Fetterman’s monster” rather than “Fetterman.” Some of the more astute onlookers have raised the question of whether Dr. Fetterman himself is morally culpable for creating a giant zombie from exhumed corpses and then abandoning his creation. These anti-Fetterman fans have summed up their stance with the pithy phrase: “Knowledge is knowing ‘Fetterman’ isn’t the monster, but wisdom is knowing that ‘Fetterman’ is the monster.”
At publishing time, the Democratic Senate candidate for Pennsylvania had stormed out, vowing revenge on the scientist who formed him but left him to be humiliated on the debate stage but was later calmed down by Gisele bringing him a glass of sugar water before he could carry out his oath.