TOLEDO, Ohio — Holiday cheer is reportedly low in some communities this season, as suicide bombers were unexpectedly notified that they may have to work Christmas day.
In yet another example of how Westerners have been disappointed after buying into the caliphate’s claims to “give their life purpose,” ISIS continued to alienate their American followers by activating almost all of its sleeper cells throughout the US for the upcoming Christmas week.
The call to jihad, according to numerous miffed radicals, couldn’t have come at a worse time, as most have already made their plans for the much anticipated holiday break.
“I booked a vacation to Turks and Caicos six months ago — six months,” said new ISIS member Rick Stevens, who now calls himself “Awad Khleifat” after suffering an existential crisis working as a cost engineer. “Walmart does’t even make their employees work on Christmas. If I would have known they didn’t respect the traditional holiday shutdown period I would have just read ‘The Secret.’”
Deborah Morgan, an unfulfilled stay-at-home mother of three, says she joined ISIS to “get out of the house.” And while she is grateful to “The All Comprehending One” for “the opportunity to crush the infidels,” she admits she underestimated the flexibility required for waging a global holy war.
“Uh-uh — no way I am working through the break. You know how hard it was to get these John Oates tickets?” said Morgan, who pledged her undying allegiance to ISIS after reading a few memes on social media. “Normally I would say ‘In shaa Allah,’ but this is the talented half of ‘Hall and Oates’ we’re talking about here.”
“And I still have to finish all of my shopping and gift wrapping,” she added, visibly overwhelmed by all she has to get done before her martyrdom.
If they are required to detonate themselves, they will be joining the nearly quarter of Americans who will begrudgingly be working on either Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s Day. And while retail workers can resort to shaming their employers on social media, these disciples of the Islamic State may have no recourse at all.
“Turns out [ISIS] monitor[s] social media and they don’t really have a Human Resources (HR) department,” Khleifat said, clearly despondent over his lack of options and non-refundable airfare. “I mean, they do, but it is just a cage you sit in while they douse you with gasoline.”
Surprisingly, not every sleeper is flustered with the last-minute changes. One extremist, Glenn Dansby, is looking forward to his fiery death and highly touted carnal pleasures of the thereafter.
“Yeah, but it has nothing to do with my devotion to Islam or ISIS,” said Dansby, looking around nervously.
“I’m stuck spending Christmas with my in-laws.”