Joke 1
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. “Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“But I don’t have an erection,” I replied.

“Well, I do.” replied the nurse.

Never get a Colonoscopy in San Francisco.

Joke 2

The grand-daughter hearing of her grandfathers death rushed to the side of her grandmother.
“What happened?” she asked her weeping grandmother.
“Your grandfather and I were having sex when it happened” she told her grand-daughter.
“SEX!”, “At your age!” the shocked girl exclaimed.

“Of course, it was Sunday and your grandfather and I had worked out a routine years ago.” the new widow explained, “We lay in bed and listened for the church clock to toll the hour at noon, Henry would go in on the ding and out on the dong, in with the ding, out with the dong”.

The old lady paused to wipe a tear from her eye, “Your grandfather would still be alive today if that damn Ice-Cream truck hadn’t started ringing that damn bell!”.

Joke 3

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son,” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a ‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,
The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are
very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
“So, tell me then…” added the boy.
Yes, my son…”
“Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?

Joke 4

Obama went to a fortune teller and asked, “Can you tell me when I’ll die?”.

“Yes”, she said, “You’ll die on an American Holiday”.

“Which one?”, he asked.

The fortune teller replied, “Doesn’t matter, the day you die will be an American Holiday”.

Joke 5

Senator Bernie Sanders was invited to address a gathering of the Indian First Nations chiefs in Denver, CO.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing the standard of living for all of their citizens by totally free government grants for free college educations, free Medicare for all,etc. He mentioned how he always supported these issues that came forward to him.

Although Sanders was vague about the details for the funding of his plans, he spoke eloquently about his ideas if he wins the White House in 2020.

At the conclusion of his speech, the chiefs presented him with a
beautiful plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.”

The proud Sanders accepted the plaque and then returned to Washington.

A news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to Sanders.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.