Biden Offers The Palestinians $100 Million In Exchange For None Of The Hostages

TEL AVIV — In a stunning move sure to be taught at universities in politics and diplomacy classes for generations to come, President Joe Biden has brokered a deal to send $100 million of U.S. taxpayer money to the Palestinian Authority in exchange for none of the hostages currently being held by Hamas.

“Here’s the deal,” Biden mumbled to the gathered media. “Nobody’s ever done anything like this. We’re going to send 100 million…billion trillion…100 thousand…all of the…the…100 million dollars to…to the…to the folks that…those folks there. Philistines. Planetfiends. Palestines. Palestinians. And in return, I have asked for none of the people being held hostage by Hamas to be released. I worked hard on this deal and held firm until they agreed to take it. I showed them who’s boss. Marginzarfinabit…”

The deal, which was quickly agreed to by the Palestinian Authority, is believed to provide much-needed humanitarian relief to the Palestinian people by funding the purchase and assembly of more rockets, bombs, and small arms. “Our people are starving and thirsty,” said Palestinian Authority spokesman Omar Hassan Bakalakadaka. “This influx of funding from the United States will go a long way toward paying for further violent acts to be perpetrated against Israeli civilians. Thank you, President Biden, and death to Israel.”

Biden has promised the Palestinians he will authorize another $100 million after the first $100 million is spent, in exchange for nothing whatsoever.

At publishing time, the White House stressed that the administration was more than willing to take the Palestinian Authority at its word that none of the $100 million would be used for all of the things the Palestinian Authority always uses money for, such as weapons and horrific acts of terrorism.