QUANTICO, VA — According to anonymous sources, the trans activist manifesto of the Nashville mass shooter has been put in a top-secret crate in a top-secret warehouse for safekeeping, right next to the motive for the Vegas shooting, the Epstein client list, and the Ark of the Covenant.

“Dangerous material like this cannot be allowed to fall into the hands of the American public, as it threatens to shed light on what drove this trans activist,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray in a memo, which his office later leaked to the press. “It is paramount to our national security efforts that we keep secret any and all information that could call our approved narrative into question.”

The Nashville police department had cooperated with transferring the manifesto into the FBI’s possession “for safekeeping,” citing their work as “a necessary bulwark against harrowing possible outcomes including but not limited to citizens leaving the Democrat Party.”

At publishing time, the FBI announced plans to transport the manifesto to a different secure location to make space in the warehouse for crates of ballots for Biden’s reelection.